Things are weird.

My number one rule of my blog -- write when something happens.

Nothing’s happened. Srsly. Nothing. Therefore, no posts. Sorry.

Anyway. Here’s the deal. I’m stuck. Stuck in Perth.

Hold up – let me start from the beginning. It’s not all bad.

So. I arrived in Perth at the God-awful hour of 8:20am. Yes, that means I left Adelaide before that time. 6:30am to be exactly. Anyway, doesn’t matter, it was too damn early.

George, Danny Lietz’s friend – good friend – came and picked me up, offering to house me for a few days or “however long I’d like.”

People in WA (that stands for Western Australia or…Wait Awhile) don’t do a whole lot. They enjoy their laid-back lives and pretty much keep it as it is. George and his wife Annette are no different. They deal with whatever life gives them (not much) and take it a day at a time…ladeda.

George drove me around Perth to check out the city and alllllll of its gloriousness. But, mind you, he talked the whole time. THE WHOLE TIME. Then started to call me Miranda after awhile. And no, I did not correct him. Why? Because he wouldn’t have listened anyway. He was talking to much, the only time he stopped was to breathe in – never out. No. His words were the breath out.

Dear God. How long could I do this for?!

Anyway. We got this his GORGEOUS home located right on the golf course. They used to live on the beach, but decided to downgrade to a smaller home so Annette wouldn’t have too much housework. Of course, they had to do this before I ventured over here. Guys. I could’ve been staying with a family who lived right on the ocean. And not done housework. Damnit.

Moving on. We had a couple of morning tea, sat outside and more talking was done. I would tell you what we talked about, but everything’s a blur. Everyday my ear is talked off (srsly, I glue it back on every night…the other night I had to sew it on because it was getting a bit gooey). I can’t keep up with the conversation. I don’t want to keep up with the conversation. So. I’ve become very good at smiling and nodding.

Anyway. I took a loooooong shower. And the best shower I’ve had in 3 months. I didn’t have to wear shoes. I got all the shampoo out of my hair. I wasn’t pelted to death by the lack of showerhead and the temperature stayed the same…all. the. way. through. the. shower. Afterwards, we went down to see the Indian Ocean (and it totally looked like…an ocean. *insert sarcasm here* Whoa). We went to a restaurant called Dome where they had coffee and cake and I had a lovely Squid Salad. Yes. Squid. Like calamari. I don’t want to hear it, people.

I hobbled around the shopping center (remember my hurt ankle? Yeah, it’s still hurt) and then we drove back, right past the Margaret River Chocolate Factory. Yes. We stopped inside. Yes. I ate chocolate. And yes, I did order ice cream.

Shut Up. I’m on holiday. And my pants hate me.

As we were driving back to the hizzy (house), we saw kangaroos just chillin on the golf course. Some were even boxing each other, it was PIMP. And I felt special that I got to get super close to some wild ’roos.

I like this picture because the 'roos are like:

Leftie--"Yo, what up Tom."

Middie--"What up. Get some golf in today?"

Leftie--"Nah, just graze around, takin it easy today."

Middie--"True. True."

Rightie--"Hey guys! What's going on?!? I made a hole in one today, woo! Awesome, eh??!!"

*Kangaroos exchange looks*

And then leftie gets in a boxing match with rightie and beat one another up over it.

We got back to the house where I was talked to some more. Note – talked TO. After enjoying a glass of red wine (Merlot. Blech), we ate an awesome chicken, pumpkin risotto Annette made. She’s an awesome cook. Awesome. I ate too much, again.

The next morning, Ashley, George and Annette’s daughter, came over and took me out to the city. We shopped – yay? Who wants to shop when you can buy anything cuz:

a. you’re broke and,

b. YOU. DON’T. HAVE. ROOM. HOW. MANY. TIMES. DO. I. HAVE. TO. TELL. YOU?!?!?!

It started to rain and our day was pretty much over. Ashley was really nice though and I hinted to her that I really want a night out – preferably alongside a cute Aussie boy. She’s gonna try to hook it up, no doubt. But I’m not holding my breath.

We came back to the house where Annette prepared some yummy fish and salad (no, no chips) and I ate again. Too much.

I also iced my ankle cuz, um, it was hurting from all the walking around shops. How pathetic. But it’s going down. I swear it!! My mom would be proud.

Ashley called out to be to come to the front yard since there were tons of ‘roos just chillin, enjoying the dusky weather. Just as soon as she said that, 3 teenyboppers (you’ll see) were on dirt bikes chasing the kangaroos. But that’s not the worst of it. They corner the ‘roos and then ram them with their bikes repeatedly into the fence until….they die.

WTF. So. Wrong! George hates them, so he sicked his two rottweilers on them and then flicked them off. He eventually called the police which they couldn’t do anything. Aussie laws here are GAY. Basically, you can get away with anything as long as you don’t get caught. And they won’t catch ya if you can run fast enough.

After a night of terrible joke telling, Ashley and her recently acquired husband, Shane, went home. Did I mention they live literally 5 minutes from G&A (yeah, they’re getting abbreviated)? I love you, Mom, but hellll no. I won't be living that close.

The good news is...I pass out at night. I guess the talking really makes me tired. Who would've thunk it!?

The next morning I was forced out of bed by George's BOOMING voice.

MARIAH! (At least he got it right)

I get ready and then A and I are off to meet up with a friend of hers for coffee. We stop at this shopping center about 5 minutes from the beach where we look at clothes that are....not my style. Nor my mom's style for that matter.

Yes. That bad.

Me at Dome, the coffeeshop.

We sit and have coffee and her friend, Elaine, shows up. She reminds me A LOT of my mom's best friend, Claire. Very kind and sweet, but has a lot of energy and is always laughing. I was "warned" about her by G&A that she's a little wacky, but ya know what?

A is the wacky one. She wouldn't shut the hell up. I'm wondering if this happens a lot. Maybe. Since George is such a talker, maybe A feels liberated when he's not around so she talks. And talks. And talks. Her friend Elaine got in about 2 words the whole conversation. And when we were leaving, A says, "Phew. Whenever I meet up with Elaine, I'm always so exhausted and thirsty."

HAHAH. W.A. people are INSANE!!

We do a few errands to get ready for the dinner party with G&A's kids. When we get back to the house, George has left to take care of some business. He's in the life insurance business. 'Nuff said.

After having a few hours of peace and quiet, A gets a phone call.

From who?

Liz. My pseudo Aunt. She's Danny Lietz's wife's daughter. I'll say that slower.

Danny Lietz.

His wife, Bette.

Had a couple of kids with a different bloke.

Liz. That's Bette's kid.

Got it?

Sweet. So, she's my half-step-Aunt. Or something. I don't know.

Anyway. I'm put on the phone with her and she's asking if I'd like to go out on Friday night with her son, Ben. Of course, I'm thinking heck yes! Opportunity to do something! However. This is were things got weird.

Or weirder.

Liz was having two conversations at once. One with me, convincing me that Ben would love to take me out to Fremantle and hang out!

The other conversation was with her son, convincing him he'd love to take me out with her girlfriend and another couple.

*screeeech*

Hold up.

So. I'm the fifth wheel? With a group of people who I don't even know? With a half-step-whatever-cousin who sounds like he's being tortured to take me out?

Nah. Gonna hafta pass on that one.

It was weird, ladies and gents. Really weird. And, honestly I reverted back to when I was 11 years old and my hairdresser forced her daughter to invite me over for a sleepover. It wasn't pretty. Eleven years old? Girls? Cliques? B.A.D.

Moving on. I felt weird, but of course I said that sounded nice, but I'd talk to G&A and see what they had in mind for the weekend. I am their guest. I can't be asking for them to drive me everywhere. Oh wait. I already have.

After that mess, the kids come over and we immediately dug into some food. Shepherd's Pie. Once my favorite meal. This night -- notsomuch.

We all sat around telling stories and actually enjoying each other's company. These daughters are a lot of fun and make me feel like I'm not the only one who thinks their parents are a little...parenty.

I did notice one thing. George. He was very quiet. A little too quiet. I had ventured into the computer room where I had started this blog. And I found it in the recycle bin.

Whoops. I think he read some of this. Uh-oh.

But all I can do is shrug it off and move forward. He hasn't said anything and, to be honest, he hasn't changed his habits. I think I'm allllllll right.

Anyway. George calls up Liz to let her know that I will have to decline the invitation to "kick it" with her son. Of course, she asks to speak to me, and as I'm walking away into the other room, I tell everyone...

"If I don't come back, it was very nice meeting you all..."

I got a chuckle. Score.

Basically, Liz told me that Friday night was the only night her son was free, so it turns out I missed an opportunity to be a 5th wheel. DAMNIT. Hahah. No, really, I'll be okay.

Ashley, G&A's daughter, invited me to go to the Casino with some of her friends, promising a young guy will be there. Unfortunately, she also invited another girl who's traveling around by herself from England. Damnit. There goes any possibility of finding a Perth boyfriend. I guess I'll go hunting throughout the Casino. Find myself a rich Aussie bloke.

Nah. Ain't gonna happen.

Anyway. Had a good night with the family. They said I fit right in and they seemed to take to me right away. Made me feel special.

Friday, which is today, G&A took me to this National Park that was....boring. It hasn't been raining much and therefore everything is reeeeeally dry. Like, crappy dry. So we stayed there for about 5 minutes and took off.

We went to the Jane Brook Winery where we indulged in some Shiraz and lunch -- a meat and cheese sample platter. Um. Delish.

That's Annette -- she didn't know I was taking the picture. I was trying to be...creative.

George, doing his best Asian impression. He isn't a fan of Asians. Or Aboriginals. Or People as a whole.

ALTHOUGH.

You knew a story was coming...

I need to use the facilities -- the bathroom -- and turns out the bathroom is pretty much an outhouse. Nice.

As I was about to wash my hands, I felt something in my hair, but didn't think much of it. As I put my hand to my hair, it was definitely something and it freaked me out. It was like a cross-bred spider and beetle and it was massive. Or at least felt like it was huge.

*shudders*

Needless to say, I ran so fast out of that bathroom that I forgot to zip up my fly. And I couldn't stop touching my hair for fear it had breeded on my head and now I had redheaded cross-breding spiderbeetles making their new home in my hair.

I don't like bugs. Not in the least.

After that, we went to a famous Italian place called Mondo Nougat. We just had a cup of coffee that was guaranteed to be the best in W.A.

Eh.

We came home and I took a bath and a nap. Wine makes ya tired, okay? Or maybe I was just that bored.

In all honesty, these people have been SO kind and SO nice. I haven't paid for much and they're treating me as if I was their own daughter. I feel special.

And in other news...I'm leaving here on Sunday to go down to Dunsborough to meet my G-Pa. Finally. I doubt I'll be staying there long, but who knows. DB (not douche bag, dunsborough) has a lot of staff positions available. I can definitely get a job if I like it. Otherwise...OFF TO QUEENSLAND. I hope.

Thanks for reading this. And if you did get to the bottom here, wtf do you do for a living that you can read this? Or did you read it in over a period of time? Otherwise. I love you. Do you love me?